Desire or Ambition?

Radhanath Swami is coming! I am excited to once again be with Maharaj in Alachua, so many memories of very sweet association here, but I can't help but feel apprehensive. The last thing Maharaj said to me was I'll see you in India. I have this deep rooted insecurity that Maharaj will reject me or not be happy to see me, or that I will not live up to his expectations.

Of course in Athens he said "I won't see you again this year unless you come to India." And when I mentioned that to him in LA he just laughed and said, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

So as Ananta Govinda Prabhu advised me I am just trying to take every opportunity that I can to get Maharaj's association.

I was somewhat reassured when on my first day in Alachua when Gadagraja Prabhu gave me a signed copy of a Radhanath Swami Vyasa Puja book from the mid nineties. These are very rare because Maharaj no longer allows his disciples to publish a vyasa puja book, and of course the fact that it is autographed makes it very very rare. This gave me the hope that I was not bereft of Maharaj's mercy.

Of course my excuse for coming down here is to visit other devotees because it has been almost two years since I've visited and it will be at least another year and maybe much longer before I will be able to return for another visit.

My visit just happens to coincide with Maharaj's visit, like my visit to my mothers just happened to coincide with Maharaj's visit to LA. I try to justify it in that way so I don't feel like I am following Maharaj around just for my personal sense gratification.

Thus far it has been quite a nice visit. It has been to nice to just catch up with people. In the course of my conversations one question always comes up. It always goes something the along the lines of, "So, what are your plans?" or "How's everything going?" I can always tell by the way they ask the question that they want to know if I am planning on getting married or if I want to remain as a brahmacari. Because I always find indirect questions annoying I ask them, "Are you asking me if I want to get married?" Then they usually get a slightly embarrassed look as if they probably shouldn't be prying into someone's private life in that way. But I always reassure them that there is nothing wrong with the question.

It is a somewhat difficult question for a number of reasons. One is that I don't want to come across as being proud or arrogant and secondly I don't want to be proud or arrogant. And it requires a lot of philosophy to really explain the answer properly. I have to explain how unqualified I am and how much I am dependent on the mercy of guru and Gauranga etc. etc., and the other issue that desire is a tricky concept.

When someone asks me "Do you have any desire to get married?" who are they speaking to? My body and mind, my intelligence, or me, the spirit soul.

One friend, Hanuman asked me, "So, do you have any ambition for marriage?" I was happy to hear the question phrased in that way. For one thing he very clearly asked what he wanted to know, and secondly the word he chose to use, ambition, is the right word.

In the English language the word desire usually refers to sensual desires, but ambition refers more to the function of the soul.

The soul has separate desires from the body as explained by Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur:

The awakened soul says in effect to the mind and body, “I am not identical with you. I don not want what you require. I have so long believed that I was identical with yourselves and that our interests were the same. But I now find that I am really and categorically different from you. I am made wholly of the principle of self-consciousness while both of you are made of dead matter. Being matter you act and be acted upon by matter under the Laws of Nature. Nature makes and unmakes you but she has no power over me. I am not benefited by your growth or harmed by your decay. You grow and decay by the laws that govern your relationships with this physical universe. Falsely identifying myself with you, I find myself compelled to suffer pain and pleasure due to physical vicissitudes that overtake you. I find myself unnaturally yoked to your functions such as eating, drinking, producing thought etc. etc. and am forced to believe them to be my own functions by which I am benefited. I shall of course have to stay with you as long as it is intended by Providence that I should suffer the consequences of this unnatural alliance with you. I shall permit you to do only what I consider to be necessary for my well-being viz. getting back into my natural position of free conscious existence unhampered by the unnatural domination by longing for material enjoyment. I refuse to be any more a slave of the sensuous inclinations of the mind and body.”

The desires that we experience as our own are the product of our identification. As long as we identify with the body and continue to act in such a way as to strengthen our identification with the body we will continue to experience the desires of the body as our own. But if we perform activities that strengthen our identification as spirit soul, eternal servant of the servant of the Lord of the gopis, then we will experience the desires of the soul as our own.


ps. Here is a short essay I wrote last year during Kartika. It was originally written for a brahmacari email group but why not share the nectar? In Krishna consciousness everyone, not just the brahmcaris and sanyasis, is supposed to be on the path for cultivating pure devotional service free from all material motives. And Kartik is fast approaching once again.

Bhagavad Gita 2.70
A person who is not disturbed by the incessant flow of desires — that enter like rivers into the ocean, which is ever being filled but is always still — can alone achieve peace, and not the man who strives to satisfy such desires.
Purport
Although the vast ocean is always filled with water, it is always, especially during the rainy season, being filled with much more water. But the ocean remains the same — steady; it is not agitated, nor does it cross beyond the limit of its brink. That is also true of a person fixed in Kṛṣṇa consciousness. As long as one has the material body, the demands of the body for sense gratification will continue. The devotee, however, is not disturbed by such desires, because of his fullness. A Kṛṣṇa conscious man is not in need of anything, because the Lord fulfills all his material necessities. Therefore he is like the ocean — always full in himself. Desires may come to him like the waters of the rivers that flow into the ocean, but he is steady in his activities, and he is not even slightly disturbed by desires for sense gratification. That is the proof of a Kṛṣṇa conscious man — one who has lost all inclinations for material sense gratification, although the desires are present. Because he remains satisfied in the transcendental loving service of the Lord, he can remain steady, like the ocean, and therefore enjoy full peace. Others, however, who
want to fulfill desires even up to the limit of liberation, what to speak of material success, never attain peace. The fruitive workers, the salvationists, and also the yogīs who are after mystic powers are all unhappy because of unfulfilled desires. But the person in Krishna consciousness is happy in the service of the Lord, and he has no desires to be fulfilled. In fact, he does not even desire liberation from the so-called material bondage. The devotees of Kṛṣṇa have no material desires, and therefore they are in perfect peace.

I recently stumbled upon this verse in again and it was like discovering a lost treasure. I was especially appreciating Srila Prabhupada's wonderful purport. I think that sometimes we have a tendency to become discouraged in the face of what seems to be an insurmountable mountain of material desires, but I think it is very important to understand these desires in the proper perspective. As Srila Prabhupada explains as long as we have a material body we will continue experience desires connected to the body, but he draws a very important distinction between different types of desire. He says, "Desires may come to him like the waters of the rivers that flow into the ocean, but he is steady in his activities, and he is not even slightly disturbed by desires for sense gratification." So it is possible to have desires and simultaneously not have desires. What this means is that there will always be some desires arising from the body, but we as spirit souls also have a choice as to what to desire. We can desire to fulfill the desires of the body and the mind or we can desire to surrender fully to Krishna and serve Him with our body mind and words. So this is really the key to spiritual advancement, and the key to overcoming material desires. We must desire to serve Krishna. As spirit souls part and parcel of Krishna we cannot be without desire, Krishna has desires and we also have desires, so we must purify our desires.

This means we must cultivate positive desires to serve the Lord, we must replace our material exploitative desires with positive desires to serve the Lord and His devotees.

In the beginning of Krishna Consciousness we must cultivate a strong desire to serve the mission of Guru and Gauranga. This provides positive engagement and for the conditioned soul. But simultaneously one must also begin to cultivate a strong desire to participate in the Lord's eternal lila in the spiritual world.

And, Kartika is a wonderful time of year to enter in to a deeper meditation on many of the wonderful lilas of the Lord, and cultivate a deeper desire and attraction to participate in these wonderful exchanges of love.

And this is the most powerful means of curing the disease of the heart. The whole Srimad Bhagavatam is aimed at this, so much time is spent in various ways explaining how we can become liberated, but then in the conclusion of the whole Bhagavatam, the Rasa Dance Sukadeva Goswami finally reveals the real way that we can be free of this disease of the heart, "Anyone who faithfully hears or describes the Lord's playful affairs with the young gopīs of Vṛndāvana will attain the Lord's pure devotional service. Thus he will quickly become sober and conquer lust, the disease of the heart."

Krishna's pastimes are not simply meant for advanced devotees, they are meant for everyone. Srila Prabhupada gave us Krishna Book in the very early days of Krishna Consciousness movement. It is true that only pure devotees can fully relish the nectar of Krishna wonderful activities but everyone can benefit from hearing them. And they can be of great help in turning our desires towards Krishna and away from the perversity of material enjoyment.

In Sri Sankalp Kalpadruma, which is meditation on the eight fold pastimes that Radha and Krishna perform throughout the day, Srila Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur says, "My mind and heart are covered with hundreds of faults. But at the same time, all these intense pure desires for service have taken birth in my heart. Just see how much difference there is between these two directions." From this prayer we can clearly see that this is a book meant for sadhakas who are not completely free from material contamination, of course the subject matter is very elevated and we should not be sahajiyas and take things cheaply, but we must understand the importance of cultivating this desire to attain Krishna. After all Rupa Goswami explains that pure devotional service cannot by had by executing the rules and regulations of bhakti yoga even for thousands of lifetimes, but that it is only by developing intense greed can one achieve pure devotional service.

So we must not under estimate the importance of this aspect of our Krishna consciousness. Especially for those who are renunciates or aspiring renunciates. One time a brahmacari disciple of Srila Prabhupada was reading a copy of Gita Govinda by Jayadeva Goswami and he told Srila Prabhupada, "I don't think this book is for brahmacaris." and Prabhupda responded, "No, it is only for brahmacaris." Srila Bhaktivinode Tahkur sings Ami ghare no jaibo vane pravesibo, o lilera rasa tare, for the sake of relishing the mellows of Radha and Krishna's pastimes I will not go home, I will go to the forest. Traditionally this is the role of the renounced order of life in Gaudiya

Vaishnavism, one renounces all material connection in order to practice internal meditation on the name, form, qualities and pastimes of the Lord. So we must not overlook this aspect of our spiritual practice.

Srila Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur ends Sri Sankalp Kalpa Druma by encouraging us on this path by saying, "O my thoughts, Give up all other desires and worship Vrindaban, the bestower of Krishna prema. Even if you cannot now taste the sweet nectar for the ocean of Radha Govinda's pastimes, please do not give up the longing to taste it. You will quickly attain perfection by taking shelter of this desire tree of sweet aspirations.”